I feel old today. Don't know why particularly. But I do. I am only 30. But today, thirty feels old. I am in my office, it is a wreck as usual, and I am doing my usual Saturday night routine of cleaning it all up to be presentable for Sunday morning. We had a soccer tournament today and I am coming to the conclusion that we are still several years away from ever being competitors with indy and coffeyville. They have too much history there for us to overcome with effort. Experience goes a long way in "football". Back to being old. I think part of what I am feeling is that several of the kids in the youth group are graduating, I am in my fourth year here and my first Freshman are Seniors. I remember when Jill was still 4 feet tall and babysitting and Jacob was in Middle School camp with Andy. Now both the Reichards are in H.S. and Jill is 4 feet tall and graduating. I guess some of this is a matter of their lives are moving on, serious transitions and mine stays the same. I stay here and get left behind. I am incredibly happy for them but the cycle of my life has been one of saying goodbye to friends. From moving constantly as a kid because of so many job changes for my dad, to continuing that cycle so far as an adult. I have said goodby eto a lot of friends. My life revolves around the youth group and so as they mature and become who God designed them to be and go where He wants them to go I can't shake my feelings of loss. Some of it is selfishness, something I try to keep from happening, but I like being important to them. My goal of course is for Jesus to be important to them, not me, I must decrease and He must increase, but no matter how much I invest myself in that philosophy, it makes for a poor blanky when I am feeling old.
While I am pouring out my soul I might as well admit my feelings of inadequacy for this job have returned. I know it is because I am too busy. My love for soccer is crowding my love for ministry, and I am sadly discovering I am not capable of family, soccer and ministry. At least not this year. It is too much for me to do well. Something is always suffering and it is usually my family. I found some pictures of my family in my drawer tonight. Pictures taken of us at various stages of my ministry here. As I look at how little Tyler was, with his blond hair, and Levi with his chubby cheeks. Whew...tears must flow. My boys are awaesome. My wife is the queen of patience and the desire of my life although I doubt she knows.
Lord, I don't recall ever reading before in your Word that you read blogs. But I pray to you now for help. My life is out of control. I need help but I do not know who to ask that would be right and I do not know how to ask well. I have never been good at delegating, or at leading sponsors but my family and the kids in this church deserve more. Solutions are always there. I just am having a hard time finding the time to listen. ...............................