its funny. I havent posted here in years. guess it makes it more anonymous now.
I am really hurting tonight. I am frustrated. confused. wounded. and a bubling pot full of other emotions I either can't quite identify or dont want to bother listing.

Who am I?
I feel out of control. wild, untamed. Like I am a dog that has been on a leash its whole life and now that I am loose i can hardly control myself from excitement. I flail about wildly not accomplishing anything productive at all.

I want to disappear and I dont really know why.

Something is missing. What?

I look at the boys or Wendy and I know they are special to me. I think about the church and my history with her. I think about ministry, and the highs and lows I have experienced. Why do I feel so disconnected with my emotions? I am constantly a spectator in my own life. I hover above my own body, merely inches away, yet far enough to not BE me, but merely WATCHING me.

I am bifurcated.
Music loses its luster. And fun often isn't. WHere is the joy?

something is missing and I am unable to put my finger on it.
what is it? where has it gone? and why did it go?